Anatomy of an apologist: A double-act play

Nadeem Paracha captures the mindset of the Islamist apologist with biting satire here.

Anatomy of an apologist: A double-act play
Nadeem F. Paracha — Published Dec 20, 2014 05:22pm

But we planted the bomb, fool. No, you didn't! —Credit: Freepik
But we planted the bomb, fool. No, you didn’t! —Credit: Freepik

Terrorist: We have just bombed a market to avenge the military’s operation against us.

Outraged Man: You are an animal!

Apologist: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, this is serious.

Outraged Man: You animal, you slaughtered innocent people!

Apologist: No, he didn’t.

Terrorist: Yes, we did.

Outraged Man: You heard him. He said he did.

Apologist: Well, yes and no.

Outraged Man: What do you mean?

Terrorist: Yes, what do you mean?

Apologist: Well, yes the bombing they did was a condemnable act, but they didn’t do it.

Outraged Man: But he just said he did, and even you said ‘the bombing they did …’

Apologist: Okay, let me rephrase it. The bombing was a condemnable act done by the enemies of our faith and the country.

Terrorist: You calling me an enemy of faith?

Apologist: No, I’m calling those who planted the bomb, the enemy.

Terrorist: But we planted the bomb, fool.

Apologist: No, you didn’t.

Outraged Man: But he just said that he did.

Apologist: Well, yes and no.

Outraged Man: Are you deaf?

Terrorist: Don’t call him deaf, infidel.

Outraged Man: Oh, so now you agree with him?

Terrorist: I agree that he is not deaf.

Outraged Man: But he says you didn’t bomb that market.

Terrorist: Yes, we did. And we shall carry out more such attacks!

Apologist: Our brother is angry …

Outraged Man: He’s not my brother! How can you call him your brother?

Apologist: Because he is. We have misunderstood him. We need to guide him back from the wrong course he has taken …

Terrorist: The heck you do. You are the ones on the wrong course. We will destroy that course by bombing it out of existence, like we bombed that market.

Apologist: No, you didn’t.

Outraged Man: But he just said he did. You are deaf!

Terrorist: Don’t call him deaf. And yes, I said we bombed that market.

Apologist: Gentlemen, gentlemen, both of you are being used by our enemies.

Terrorist: You are our enemy!

Apologist (discreetly pointing at the Outraged Man and whispering): No, no, he … he is your enemy.

Outraged Man: I heard that! You hypocrite!

Terrorist: Don’t call him a hypocrite, you hypocrite. Only I can call him a hypocrite.

Outraged Man: You are the biggest hypocrite there is. A reptile …

Apologist: Gentlemen, gentlemen, can the both of you just sit together like two good patriots and talk things out? Let’s give peace a chance, shall we?

Outraged Man: How can one talk peace with people who are hell-bent on destroying everything in their path?

Terrorist: Yes, we do destroy, for the greater good of the faith and the …

Outraged Man: Oh, please, spare us your ill-informed and vile nonsense, you reptile!

Terrorist: You infidel and stooges of the West …!

Apologist: He has a point.

Outraged Man: What?

Apologist: We are fighting them on the behest of the West, aren’t we?

Outraged Man: So you are saying it is okay for them to slaughter our civilians, cops, politicians and soldiers?

Apologist: No, no, this is not what I am saying. I am saying that terrorism in our country is due to us trying to fight a war that is not our own.

Outraged Man: So thus it is okay to indulge in shameless bloodbaths?

Apologist: Our brothers are not responsible for this …

Terrorist: Yes, we are!

Apologist: No, you aren’t!

Outraged Man: He just said he is, you ostrich.

Terrorist: Don’t call him an ostrich, you dog!

Outraged Man: Dogs at least have emotions, unlike snakes …

Terrorist: You infidels, I’ll blow you all!

Apologist (discretely pointing towards the Outraged Man and whispering): Him, him … he’s the dog …

Outraged Man: I saw that! You both are one and the same.

Apologist: We don’t want war. We want peace. Right, misguided brother?

Terrorist: I want pieces. Pieces of those who are stopping our path towards attaining a pious state and …

Outraged Man: Oh, so you want to build your pious state with the innocent pieces of men, women and children?

Terrorist: They are not innocent. None of you are!

Apologist: Gentlemen, gentlemen …

Outraged Man: Oh, shut up!

Terrorist: Don’t tell him to shut up …

Outraged Man: I wasn’t. I was telling you to shut up.

Apologist: Don’t tell him to shut up …

Terrorist: Shut up! I’m wearing a suicide vest, infidel!

Apologist: No, no, you’re not.

Terrorist: Yes, I am. Here, see.

Apologist: No, you’re not.

Outraged Man: But he just said he was. Can’t you see it? Are you blind?

Terrorist: Don’t call him blind.

Apologist: He was forced to wear one.

Outraged Man: Oh, so you agree that he is wearing one …

Apologist: No, I said he was forced to.

Terrorist: No, I wasn’t. Nobody forced me to.

Apologist: Yes, you were …

Outraged Man: Oh, for heaven’s sake …

Terrorist: Yes, that’s it.

Outraged Man: What?

Apologist: Gentlemen, gentlemen …

Outrage Man: Oh, shut up …

Terrorist: I said do not tell him to shut up (Boom! He explodes himself).

Outraged Man: cough cough See … I … I … told you, he was … was … was wearing one …

Apologist: cough cough Well … I guess, he was … But … cough … I don’t think he was one of us … I think he was foreign …

Outraged Man: But you called him a brother. Are you mad?

Terrorist: cough … cough … don’t … don’t …. don’t call him mad … (Passes away).
Act 2 (A week later):

Apologist: He was a martyr.

Outraged Man: Oh, so now you are calling him a martyr. What about those he slaughtered?

Apologist: They are martyrs as well. At least some of them.

Outraged Man: How can that be?

Apologist: Well, you see …

(An army man comes in): We have decided to launch a full scale operation against the terrorists. (He leaves).

Apologist: Hmmm. Anyway, so as I was saying, you see, these terrorists are animals, reptiles, brutes, and we should support the army in crushing them!

Outraged Man: Oh, now they are animals?

Apologist: Yes … foreign funded … like you.




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